Tipping Point

No one ever said being an educator would be easy. I've never been guilty of assuming "summers off" and "being done at 3pm" were the true advantages to working in this field. As an optimist, easily adapting, and immensely passionate person, I told myself I could handle any  challenges because the purpose of my profession outweighs the poor pay, unrealistic testing environment, and classroom management debacles. And yet, I'm struggling. My purpose is still clear - giving students a safe, accessible place to learn how to love reading - but the blows keep coming and my tipping point is inching ever closer.

The backlash on Common Core. the NC General Assembly's assault on teachers (from no raises, eliminating Masters pay, throwing out tenure, etc), increasing testing/benchmarking so students and teachers are overly-assessed zombies, challenging the arts programs, taking away library assistants and (unsuccessfully attempt) classroom assistants, the negative media coverage on our schools.... those are the blows that are felt across our state. In my building? The stress of discipline issues that keep us from doing our daily tasks. Emotionally distressed students who are dealing with a range of unfair situations. Assistants and teachers pulled to cover duties and the domino effect it has on planning/collaboration/community outreach. A sprawling campus that distances us, but also struggles to provide enough instructional space. Even bigger problems? The kids who come to school hungry, depressed, abused, neglected. Blow. after blow. after blow.

 I care so much. The outbursts, the disrespect, the defiance, the indifference ... I take it personally. Over and over, I'm advised otherwise but I can't help it. I spend my drives home wondering how I can fix myself so I DON'T take it personal. So I CAN keep up the fight for these kids, and this profession. But I also feel like a failure for even admitting that these days (and weeks, and months) have been so hard. I think, "you need to be positive and be a role model for others who are struggling too." But some days, it's just so hard.

This year, I was honored with my greatest professional achievement to date - district teacher of the year. I am a member of an inspiring group of educators who are learning to be better instructional coaches in our schools and districts. I'm serving as the social media co-chair for our state's School Library Assoc. I've presented at several top-notch conferences. People from other districts, neighboring schools, and my direct colleagues have reached out to collaborate. I just spent a week relaxing on spring break, and the following week away on an engaging seminar. All of these experiences have been hugely impactful on me as an educator, and make me better for our students. The people I've met and ideas that have been shared make me want to be a better leader; challenge me to stand up and do all I can to improve the landscape. but I'm still worn down.

When I'm away from the library, to-do's flood my conscientiousness... All the things I didn't have time for in the chaotic hours I'm in the school building: Following up with an email. Finishing my post-observation notes. Checking in with my mentee. Look into titles for next year's school-wide read. Make book swap boxes to drop at the middle and high school. Drop a book in a courier to another district. Check in with that library student who wanted help with a genrefying project. 
 
Then there's the personal tasks: Mail a birthday card. Stop and see that friend that has fallen to the wayside. Clean the house before my parents visit the next 10 days. Stop by the grocery store. Finish my taxes. 
 
I feel swamped. And I know there's more to add to the list coming my way tomorrow, but the students will be in front of me and that's where all my attention will go. Teaching lessons, coaching through issues, encouraging them to try new genres, disciplining those who toe the line, listening to stories, answering questions, (hearing "Mrs. Holloman..." 100x an hour!), pulling materials, straightening up before the next class...
 
The student must always come first.

As I'm struggling with this tipping point, I reach out to the words of educators who inspire me, (as well as other blogs) and have proved time and time again that we all feel this way, its ok, and I will​ bounce back.
 

These four posts have recently reminded me of the WHY I do this. I highly suggest you take the time to read through them in their entirety. 

And I'll end on this reflection: What if your smile, your patient ear, your encouragement, advice, recommendation, hug, or simple presence is the only brush of affection that student felt today? I want to believe that's enough to keep me going. ​​